Depression...

I feel locked up...and locked in....

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years. I have been on and off medication for it since the birth of my son in 1969. There were times that I would be in such a dark place that I did not even know how I got there. What triggered it or how to get out of it. Medication helped during those times. There were times that I would spin into a depression and realize that it was March...the month I discovered I was pregnant. Or maybe it was November the month of his birth and the month that I place him for adoption. Perhaps it was September when I signed the final adoption papers in 1970. I hated Thanksgiving and could not wait till it passed, this was the first holiday that was about a week after the birth of my son. And we won't even talk about Mother's Day when here I was a Mother who was never acknowledged till 3 years later when I had my daughter.

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand with adoption. I don't care which side of the triad you are on. The adoptive couple who have to deal with not being able to have children. The adoptee who wonders about the "why" was I given up. Or the birth mother who carries around the secret. We each have our own set of problems that come with adoption. Some of us face them, others do not. I am choosing to face mine. To deal with them and heal my heart.

In 2001 I wrote this poem in November around my sons' birthday.


Dear Patricia,


                                                          1969 Revisited


                                                                 1969
                                                      it plays in my mind
                                                       like a silent film
                                                           frame
                                                                      by
                                                                            frame
                                                        with all its black
                                                        and grey shadows.

                                                       it sneaks up on me
                                                            every fall
                                                      and I am forced to relive
                                                      every minute of that year.

                                                         it is slow moving
                                                               clicking
                                                            out of focus
                                                               cracked
                                                    and then suddenly clear.

                                                it reminds me of a decision
                                                          that was made
                                                a decision that affected many
                                                        the right decision?
                                                         it still haunts me
                                                              every fall. 

This reunion has brought back a great many "what ifs" or "woulda...coulda...shoulda". I so needed to get past all of those. I cannot go backward and change anything. It is difficult meeting your child as a fully grown adult with a family of their own. Trying to integrate everyone into each others lives was somewhat like a juggling act. How to act and what to say became a challenge at times. My family here know me, they know my ups and downs and my reactions. They accept me as my perfectly imperfect self. And yet, I wanted to be perfect for my son...I did not want to have any flaws and yet I knew I had so many of them. There were times that I felt as if I was walking on egg shells, other times I would be silent and even if I wanted to pick up the phone and call him I did not. I usually waited for him to call me because there was a part of me that did not want to intrude or push myself into his life. One ball up in the air while another fell to the ground. I was often fearful, my greatest one being that he would not like me and would not want me to be a part of his life. So I was almost always on my best behavior. I was feeling depressed more often than not and very anxious. The medication helped but I knew at that point that it was necessary for me to really deal with the problems that were causing that depression. I knew that I had to change my negative views about adoption for myself in order to heal.

Do you feel depressed or anxious over the act of adoption? Where do you put that negative emotion when a special day comes? What can you say to yourself in order to change a negative view about adoption for yourself?