Red Thread...

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break."
...Ancient Chinese belief

I am not sure how many people believe in fate...believe in miracles...believe in the fact that there are signs that we should pay attention to. But, I do!  Finding my son was a series of things that just added up after 43 years. I believe it was just suppose to happen for me. I was led down a path that I would not have ordinarily take. I was suppose to "friend" someone on facebook that I had not had any contact with since I was 15 years old. This person was suppose to open up locked doors for me. And at the time I had no idea that "friending" them would make that happen.

He told me his story about finding his daughter just a month before. How he had been searching for her for so long and final found her via an adoption registry site. He had contacted a friend of hers in order to get her to talk with him, she had been searching for a long time also. But like all of us who search she was hesitant to believe that this could finally really be happening. He had to contact his daughter's Mother (someone he had not seen in many years) after he found out her married name. Yes, searching is a series of obstacles, some painful, some dead ends, and it is not for the faint at heart. In order to get confirmation that all of these people were a match only the Mother could register with the state, as most Fathers are not listen on personal adoption information. I believe that the adoption system did that to a  lot of us back then. That a lot of Fathers were dismissed without any consideration. I had no knowledge that this state registry even existed. I was always under the impression that the state wanted us to know NOTHING about our children. However, if both child and parent are registered than the state will provide names and addresses for both parties.

It was May 8, 2012 and his story filled me with hope. I felt safe talking to him and told my similar story, minus the reuniting. Once again I had to admit that I did not remember the exact date of his birth...SURE YOU DO he said, its there locked inside of you. I felt as if I needed to defend myself to let him know that I was not a bad mother for not remembering....and then as I told him the date that I always said it was....November 17...I felt my heart explode and I stated sobbing uncontrollably. He apologized for making me sad...he was sorry that I could not remember the date of his birth, but that he knew it was just locked away deep inside. No....that is not it I said...I remember the date....It was November 15, 1969...November 17 was the last day that I saw him.  The day I placed him in the arms of a stranger. I quickly asked him what site he went on where he found his daughter. There are hundreds of sites...some free but most want money from you to search....some are legit...some are fly by night. He gave me the name of the registry that was free and on line. I told him if I found anything I would let him know. I thanked him with all my heart for sharing his story with me....for helping me to unlock a key piece of my "secret".

My heart was racing....I was scared...I was crying...but now, I was armed with what I felt was the right information....now I had what my heart finally knew was his actual birth date...this was a HUGE new discovery....

I turned on the computer, nervously typed in the site and held my breath. I had never been on this site before....I was taking the first step down this new path.

Dear Patricia,

This is going to take a lot of courage. I know that you have the strength to do this....
May all your heart desires me within your reach today.

This is my wish for you:
Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss our lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Hugs when spirits sag,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Faith so that you can believe,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
Love to complete your life.
~Anonymous

Where are you on your path? Are you searching? Reunited?  How do you comfort yourself? Do you know how strong you really are? Can you find a way to believe in your strength and courage?

Forgiveness Journal

Within each of us, as birth Mother's who entrusted our children to adoption lies that lifetime of wondering, worrying, and missing. A hole in our hearts that we cannot mend.

We tend to lock it away, deep within our cores so that we do not have to feel the pain of that loss on a daily basis. There are times when we sink into a depression, especially around birthdays and holidays. There are times when we cannot even pinpoint why we are depressed because we have buried that hurt so deeply. There are times when it is right there on the surface and our world seems to crash down around us.

Time does not take that hurt away. Time does not make us forget. Time does not change the unchangeable. Time goes on, but the buried hurt stays with us. Our lives continue to change and unfold over the years, but it does not take that pain away. We get married and often there are other children, but none of that can replace what happened to us. We are happy, we laugh, we sing and dance, but it is always there locked inside the box that is buried within us.

I remember someone telling me that this was the best thing that I could do for my child, to place him in the arms of another family. I will never know. I cannot go backwards and see what might of been had I kept him. I will never know if he cried out for me because someone else did not have my heart beat or my smell. I will never know and I had to learn how to be okay with that. It has taken me 45 years to learn the lesson of forgiveness. To allow my adult self and my pregnant teenage self to merge together and become one. They are not separate people although I have kept them that way in order to move forward.

So I started a journal of forgiveness for myself. A journal that I wish to share with you so that you might find a way to also begin a healing. A journal of love for myself.

If you would like to journey with me you might want to purchase a special journal that you can write in. And a willingness to be open and honest with your adult self and your teenage self. To have the dialogue that you could not have then and that no one else was having with you. This is a sacred place that you do not have to share with anyone. This can be the space where you can be honest and scream and yell and cry over your loss. This can be the space where you begin to heal.

I want you to remember that you are ENOUGH...you are GOOD ENOUGH...You are BRAVE and STRONG...and you can take back your POWER by sharing your side of the story. Because dear heart it is your story, and by telling it you can release some of the pain, the mystery, the secret, and the lies.

You are SO LOVED!