Dear Patricia...

The one thing that I found while starting this journal is that I had a voice that wanted to be heard. I also had a teenager that wanted to be healed. For so many years I kept that teenager separate from my life. No one wanted to talk to her, the thought was, "what is done is done". Or "that was so long ago why do you want to bring that up". The classic one is "you've moved on with your life, you had other children".

I never understood the concept that I would "forget". I never understood the concept that I would not be affected by the adoption. I never understood the concept that I wouldn't move forward with my life. Just because the outside looked like everything was wonderful, it does not mean that the inside was. I carried around guilt, grief, shame, mystery and secrets for way to long.

So how do I integrate my teenage self and my adult self. I chose to start by writing her a letter...

Dear Patricia,

Over the years you have silenced yourself. There have been times when you could not even figure out where all the anger was coming from...other times you knew but could not find a way to deal or heal yourself.

Most of the time you believed the lies. You felt unloved...he broke your heart...he betrayed you...others did the same...you did not feel good enough...you built large walls around yourself...you felt out of control...you yelled...you screamed...you went a little crazy...you felt tired and defeated...you felt you had no right to be truly happy...you complained...you hid...you were disloyal...you cried...you lied...you were so afraid...nothing mattered...you wondered if you ever really exposed yourself if anyone would really like you....you repeated patterns that were destructive...you stomped your feet and pulled your hair...you felt like a victim...you felt abandoned...you felt lost...you drank too much....you could not see the good...you felt unworthy...unattractive...dirty...bad...not smart enough...your heart ached all the time...you fell into deep depression...you were lonely...you were lost...you started things but never finished them...nothing was ever really right. 

I know...I truly do know that all these things were because you were grieving...you were missing your baby...you longed for him...your heart ached for him.

All these things were bricks that you used to put up a wall so that you stayed trapped in all the guilt. 

I am here to tell you the truth...

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!  You always have been. YOU ARE STRONG AND WORTHY...

You are LOVED and you LOVE...


What would you say to your teenage self to let her know that you are here for her now? How would you start that letter? 

Dear Patricia...

Starting my journal I knew it would awaken things in me that I would have to deal with. Emotions that were deeply embedded that caused me to have patterns that were sometimes destructive. But I also knew it needed to be done...It was time to release the pain..

So I begin because I believe that eventually all obstacles must be faced...dealt with and conquered...

Dear Patricia,

This was the name you heard when you did something wrong or something "bad"...when you heard it called you knew you were in trouble!

TROUBLE...

You were not in trouble...you needed help...you needed love...you needed guidance...You needed much more than you were ever given...So I am here.to reclaim my name: PATRICIA...I reclaim ME...

This is my truth...

I begin again...

Forgiveness Journal

Within each of us, as birth Mother's who entrusted our children to adoption lies that lifetime of wondering, worrying, and missing. A hole in our hearts that we cannot mend.

We tend to lock it away, deep within our cores so that we do not have to feel the pain of that loss on a daily basis. There are times when we sink into a depression, especially around birthdays and holidays. There are times when we cannot even pinpoint why we are depressed because we have buried that hurt so deeply. There are times when it is right there on the surface and our world seems to crash down around us.

Time does not take that hurt away. Time does not make us forget. Time does not change the unchangeable. Time goes on, but the buried hurt stays with us. Our lives continue to change and unfold over the years, but it does not take that pain away. We get married and often there are other children, but none of that can replace what happened to us. We are happy, we laugh, we sing and dance, but it is always there locked inside the box that is buried within us.

I remember someone telling me that this was the best thing that I could do for my child, to place him in the arms of another family. I will never know. I cannot go backwards and see what might of been had I kept him. I will never know if he cried out for me because someone else did not have my heart beat or my smell. I will never know and I had to learn how to be okay with that. It has taken me 45 years to learn the lesson of forgiveness. To allow my adult self and my pregnant teenage self to merge together and become one. They are not separate people although I have kept them that way in order to move forward.

So I started a journal of forgiveness for myself. A journal that I wish to share with you so that you might find a way to also begin a healing. A journal of love for myself.

If you would like to journey with me you might want to purchase a special journal that you can write in. And a willingness to be open and honest with your adult self and your teenage self. To have the dialogue that you could not have then and that no one else was having with you. This is a sacred place that you do not have to share with anyone. This can be the space where you can be honest and scream and yell and cry over your loss. This can be the space where you begin to heal.

I want you to remember that you are ENOUGH...you are GOOD ENOUGH...You are BRAVE and STRONG...and you can take back your POWER by sharing your side of the story. Because dear heart it is your story, and by telling it you can release some of the pain, the mystery, the secret, and the lies.

You are SO LOVED!

Healing...

I have a journal that I started when I reunited with the son that I entrusted to the Adoption system in 1969...this is my story about healing...
Healing the secret...healing the guilt...healing the mystery of him...healing my heart...

As parents we are suppose to cut the umbilical cord that connects us to our children...but how do you do that when you only had a few stolen moments with that child? How do you do that when you finally meet that child as a grown man? How do you do that when after a seemingly beautiful reunion you suddenly find yourself being left outside of his life?

How do you heal?

This is my journey about helping myself heal not only the 18 year old girl who was at the center of this but also the 63 year old woman I am now...

Perhaps my story can help someone else heal also...