The one thing that I found while starting this journal is that I had a voice that wanted to be heard. I also had a teenager that wanted to be healed. For so many years I kept that teenager separate from my life. No one wanted to talk to her, the thought was, "what is done is done". Or "that was so long ago why do you want to bring that up". The classic one is "you've moved on with your life, you had other children".
I never understood the concept that I would "forget". I never understood the concept that I would not be affected by the adoption. I never understood the concept that I wouldn't move forward with my life. Just because the outside looked like everything was wonderful, it does not mean that the inside was. I carried around guilt, grief, shame, mystery and secrets for way to long.
So how do I integrate my teenage self and my adult self. I chose to start by writing her a letter...
Dear Patricia,
Over the years you have silenced yourself. There have been times when you could not even figure out where all the anger was coming from...other times you knew but could not find a way to deal or heal yourself.
Most of the time you believed the lies. You felt unloved...he broke your heart...he betrayed you...others did the same...you did not feel good enough...you built large walls around yourself...you felt out of control...you yelled...you screamed...you went a little crazy...you felt tired and defeated...you felt you had no right to be truly happy...you complained...you hid...you were disloyal...you cried...you lied...you were so afraid...nothing mattered...you wondered if you ever really exposed yourself if anyone would really like you....you repeated patterns that were destructive...you stomped your feet and pulled your hair...you felt like a victim...you felt abandoned...you felt lost...you drank too much....you could not see the good...you felt unworthy...unattractive...dirty...bad...not smart enough...your heart ached all the time...you fell into deep depression...you were lonely...you were lost...you started things but never finished them...nothing was ever really right.
I know...I truly do know that all these things were because you were grieving...you were missing your baby...you longed for him...your heart ached for him.
All these things were bricks that you used to put up a wall so that you stayed trapped in all the guilt.
I am here to tell you the truth...
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! You always have been. YOU ARE STRONG AND WORTHY...
You are LOVED and you LOVE...
What would you say to your teenage self to let her know that you are here for her now? How would you start that letter?
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