I screamed...the damn within me broke...I fell to the floor and I sobbed...I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth...Scared...I heard these things being repeated over and over again...
YOU WERE:
- NOT good enough
- NOT worthy
- NOT smart enough
- NOT old enough
- NOT strong enough
- NOT mature enough
- NOT capable
- NO choice
| "FEAR is an acronym in the English language for, "False Evidence Appearing Real" ~ Neale Donald Walsh | |
Fear freezes us in the moment. It can hold us back from doing things we know in our heart we want to do. It can place us in a situation where we believe others know better what is right for us than we do. Fear takes away our belief of possibilities if we allow it. I was full of fear.
I was afraid of doing the unthinkable, of going against my parents and disappointing them. Would they ask me to leave the house? How would I support myself and the baby? Where would we live? All questions that I had no answers for. How do you go against what your parents are telling you is the best thing possible?
All of our lives we have choices to make, some are just larger than others. This was the largest one I had ever dealt with, and I did not know how to follow my heart when everyone was telling me something different. At what age in life does your own courage come into play? How do you stand up for yourself at a young age? Can you? At what point does one become totally responsible for living their truth? Do we ever give up the need or want of our parents approval?
I believe that there are those who never live their truth, they never follow their hearts calling to find their happiness. They continue to follow the direction others believe is the right one for them, the direction that others expect them to follow. A path that they would not choose for them self if they could only find their voice. That years later they regret the choice, they wish they had done what their heart told them to do, but time ran out and something was always missing. Why is it that we put so much value on what others think of us? Why do we have such a need to be perfect and in control? That somehow by living by other peoples standards we might become better, even happier when truly one knows this can't be true. Your heart...your spirit...needs to be heard...needs to be honored...needs to be free in order to live your authentic life.
I made the decision to place the baby up for adoption...my baby...my love . It was not a decision that was easily made, it was not a decision that I made totally from my heart. But it was a decision that was influenced by others, a decision that would follow me for the rest of my life. However, it was a decision I felt was in the best interest of the baby, mostly because I bought into the fact that I was not capable of caring for a baby; wasn't I proving I couldn't even take care of myself. Decisions sometimes carry great repercussions...people who we thought once held our best interests walk away when we follow the path we think is best for our self. Other times when when we follow our heart we are told that we are brave and strong for doing so. Both disappointment and bravery come at a cost...the question is, at what cost?
I believe with age, I have learned to travel down my own true path, but it took many years to know that I deserved to be happy. It took a great deal of time to stop listening to what others thought I should be doing, and to follow what my heart told me to do. Could I have done that at 17 years old? My mind says I could not...my mind tells me I wasn't strong enough...or wise enough...or good enough. Silently now, 43 years later my heart tells me differently...but it also tells me that "for everything there is a season".
I was becoming more attached to my baby every day as it grew within me. This baby that was a part of me, was not going to be raised by me. This would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and just where would I put all these motherly emotions that I was suddenly feeling?
Dear Patricia,
The moment a child is born, the mother is born also. She never existed before that very moment. There was a female...a girl...a woman before that moment. NOW she is a MOTHER....something absolutely new.
They lied when they told you that you would "forget". They lied when they told you that it would get easier with time. They lied when they told you that this was the best possible thing to do and that your child would be better off without you. They lied when they told you that you really did not have a choice. They lied...they brainwashed you into believing that there was nothing else you COULD do.
You will never forget...it did not get better or easier with time...you continued to follow destructive patterns, because you never felt "good enough". You will never know if you did the best possible thing because you were not allowed that....you will never know if your child was better off without you as you cannot go back and redo it...
You never really saw it...maybe you never really wanted to see it. You were naïve, and you were made to believe all of it was for the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. That you were protecting him from the worse life...one living with you where you had no money...only a high school education...you couldn't even take care of yourself (after all you did get pregnant) so how could you take care of a child? You would be a "single mother" and every child needs two parents....so adoption is the ONLY ANSWER.
So even though it was the hardest thing you ever did, you did it because you loved your child....you felt you were doing what was BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Adoption would keep your child from hardship...why would you make your child suffer by being selfish and wanting to keep him? You believed everything because you had so much self doubt...You believed that you could not possibly be a good mother...so you followed the path that was chosen...you made the sacrifice...because you were told and made to believe that your child would be happier...healthier...and more loved with someone other than you.
YES...you helped make that decision....YES...it was a choice. But it was without TRUTH...and not a choice made freely.
You can start NOW to heal that broken piece of yourself. You can start NOW to heal your heart.
Think back if you can to the words that were spoken to you...how did you feel? Did you feel as if you had a say in anything? Can you write a letter that explains it to yourself?
No comments:
Post a Comment