Remembering...

Character is doing the right thing even when it costs more than you want to pay.    ~Michael Josephson

I never let myself remember the pain...it showed itself in ways that were destructive instead. It was buried deep...with chains and padlocks...but now the damn had broken open and the flooding began...and my thoughts constantly went to 1969...At the time it seemed overwhelming...I was always crying, but trying to maintain a sense of happiness for the reunion that was taking place...I never told my son all that I was emotionally going through...I felt to "needy"...to "clingy"...and my family here was confused about this new found relationship...but I needed to heal and I knew that...

and so the remembering began...


Knowing what is the right or wrong thing to do at 17 years old is not easy. Of course we have a value system at that age that has been instilled in us by parents, church, and teachers. At that age I do not believe that following our own hearts was a possibility. I searched my heart and even though I wanted more than anything to keep and raise my child, I did not believe it was a possibility.

My father and I went to a local agency that helped girls that were pregnant. They would give you a place to live if you needed it, and they arranged all the paperwork for the adoption. We sat together side by side as a councilor from the agency mapped out what would happen. I would have to sign papers that relinquished my right as a parent. That meant that I would have no claim to my child in any way. I would NEVER be able to see him, hold him or contact him for the rest of our lives. That I was "giving him up" for what ever reason, but mostly it was stated that it was because I either "did not want hm" or I was "incapable of taking care of him". As she sat there and explained their policies about how I would sign over the "rights" to my child to them and they would then be free to handle everything that would pertain to the adoption. That my child would go to a foster care home, for 4 to 6 weeks before he would be permanently placed in his new home with his new  parents. That I would not have to be a part of that process, that everything for me would be complete before the baby was born. I could go on with my life. I would be able to continue my education, better myself, and not worry about the child as if it never happened. Because after all I would be able to have more children and  she assured me that I would "forget" all about this.

I sat there listening to her...of course I was crying once again. But when she said I would "forget" all about this pregnancy and I would go about my life as if it never happened. My head popped up and I looked at my Dad with what must have been pure panic and fear. My Dad asked me if I wanted to leave, and I shook my head yes. The councilor asked me what I was going to do if I did not do this through their agency. That I should not think of doing a private adoption because the people who go that route have not gone through all the home studies that are done through their agency.  That the people who go through private adoptions have usually been turned down by agencies such as theirs , and therefore by their standards would be "unfit" to be good parents. That I should think long and hard before making that decision. My Dad and I got up and walked out of the office.

Several days later my Dad suggested that we might go and talk to a lawyer that he knew who told him that he could help us. Once inside his office I felt much more comfortable. He told me of course I could see the baby if I wanted to while I was in the hospital. He told me that he knew of a professional couple that was not able to have children. He approached me with caring and sensitivity, he asked that I take some time to think all of this over. I felt as if he not only had this couples interests at heart but he also had my interests at heart.

So, the process began. My now, absent sweetheart had to be informed of my decision, as he would have to sign some papers that would release him from any responsibility for the baby. (I think because of the little contact that we had that, he thought all the decisions  had already been made, and in reality he had already released himself from those responsibilities.)  I went with him to his family lawyers and the papers were signed and I delivered them to my lawyers office. There were lots of papers that I had to sign. I am not sure what most of them were, but they were put in front of me and I signed them. I knew that the baby would be going directly to the couple that were going to adopt him instead of into the foster care system. I filled out medical information for my family tree for the couple. I wrote my child a letter, that I had all hopes would be saved and given to him when he was old enough to understand why I was placing him along with a small teddy bear so he would have something from me. (he never did receive either of these...the only thing he knew was where I was from...how old I was...what religion I had written down...and that I placed him for adoption because I loved him....those words confused me more now than ever...What kind of love is that? If someone loved you so much WHY? WHY? Why would they leave you?)

It had nothing to do with not wanting him, it had nothing to do with not loving him enough. In my heart it had everything to do with loving him and wanting the "best" that I could provide for him, and according to everyone that was not me. 


Dear Patricia,

YOU are SO LOVED!

Can you unlock the padlocks? Can you allow yourself to remember the pain in order to begin to heal? What is your truth about that time?