While being extremely happy about being in reunion I was also dealing with so much pain. I thank goodness that I had a very good Doctor to help me sort out and deal with what he termed was post traumatic stress syndrome. How can you be this happy and yet this sad at the same time.
My son shared pictures of himself at different ages. I smiled as I looked at each one and yet at the same time my heart was breaking. How could I have not been there for those moments? Those first steps...first words...first day at school. He had boxes of memories that he shared that included report cards and drawings...high school pictures and college memories...I smiled and I laughed and waited till I was alone in bed at night to cry. He called me Mom, but I would question what kind of Mom was I? It was if I was walking in someone else's skin...was I the 17 year old Patricia or the 62 year old Patricia? There were times that I had no idea, and yet I knew I had to integrate the two.
Dear Patricia,
I am here standing beside you...you are not alone anymore. I no longer wish to keep you locked deep inside of me. Please believe me when I tell you that you are loved by me...that I am committed to transforming your fears to love...to opening our hearts and mind to love...
I am ready....I am willing and able to smother our fears with the light of love. Come walk with me, hand in hand...heart to heart in order to heal.
I know now that I did not fight for you...I did not stand up to all those who were not on our side...I am so sorry. I wish I had been stronger for you...more loving toward you. I wish that I could go back and change things, but that is impossible. I will tell you, that you have every right to be sad and angry, but that only keeps you in the shadow of your life. That if you allow me to love you we can walk through this together now.
I can tell you that with age we are learning to travel down our own path...our true path....but it has taken over 40 years to do so....could we have done that at 17 or 18 years old? My mind tells me we could not...my mind tells me we were not strong enough or wise enough or good enough...BUT as I sit here with you silently my heart tells me differently...but it also whispers that "for everything there is a season" and our season is NOW.
The walls that have been built to protect our broken heart is coming down...if we do not work together....we cannot allow the complete flow of love in and we will continue to poison our inner space. Forgiveness is a fundamental part of living a happy life...and I know now that resentment contaminates the soul...and it will distance us from others but more importantly...from our self. We have the opportunity to offer our self grace...and with that we are offering our self emotional freedom that will help us stop the downward spiral of negativity that all the resentment brings.
Our blessing finally comes our way...YES, you do meet him again. And YES...the bond between you and him is strong and sure and full of love. And this blessing will allow us to heal and forgive our self.
We CAN choose forgiveness...we CAN choose love...we CAN choose happiness...we CAN choose grace...If we choose to let go of the resentment...we allow miracles to happen.
Trust me NOW when I tell you that your life will change. Trust me NOW when I tell you that you love and you are loved...Trust me NOW when I tell you that miracles do happen...Trust me NOW when I tell you that if you release the pain and the resentment of the past that you can build a family...one day...one memory at a time.
I am standing here beside you...you are not alone...let us merge together NOW as a 62 year old woman and begin our life again as one.
You are SO LOVE.
If you wrote a letter to your younger self because you wanted to heal that part of you that held so much pain what would you say? Could you integrate the two to help them to become one? Can you find a way to forgive that part of you that you feel failed in some way?
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