Those are just a few of the thoughts that rumbled around when I first discovered I was pregnant. As I look back on it now I realize that I only saw the dark side...and yet as souls we are both light and darkness...radiance and shadow...but I was lead to believe in those early days that this darkness was an evil. That "good girls" don't have sex before marriage. That "good girls" certainly don't get pregnant. That those who do have "shot gun weddings" or they are left with the title of "unwed mother" and the child is "illegitimate" or a "bastard".
When you are in this dark place you fail to fully illuminate your light. I am no longer afraid of the darkness. I love and I am loved. I forgive and I will be forgiven. I will heal and finally fully illuminate my self...fully illuminate my heart.
I found this poem by Terri St. Cloud which tells my truth and hangs on my wall directly in front of me.
But, in 1969 I had to smile and pretend...I was not suppose to tell anyone...I was suppose to hide it and be ashamed. "How could you do this?"..."You did this on purpose to trap me into marriage"..."You will have to deal with this yourself....this is your problem"...."I want no part of this"..."you have embarrassed this family"..."How could YOU do this!!!!"
And so I write another letter to my 17 year old self...
Dear Patricia,
I know that you are experiencing a great deal of pain, fear, sorrow and anguish right now. But, I promise you at this moment you are not alone. I will keep you safe, healthy and connected. I am here for YOU. I will not let you fall...I know that you feel helpless and so confused. I know that you are hurt hat he would leave you just when you believe you need him the most.
Believe in yourself...you are much stronger than they are making you believe....you are much smarter than you believe...You are capable of doing anything as long as you BELIEVE! You can fight....you can kick and you can scream. You can if you believe in yourself.
Borrow all the peace and wisdom that you have inside....it is there...let it shine through. Release and resolve all your sorrow, fear, illness and negativity...
I am here...
Feel my comfort...
Feel my LOVE!
It is important to acknowledge the feelings that we had back then. Important to allow ourselves to know that we are connected to that person. How would you start a letter to yourself? What would you say in order to let yourself know that you are here now to help? What does that feel like to you?
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