It is difficult to unlock the pain that lived inside me for 43 years. The biggest fear was that I would start crying and never stop. That although I was forming a relationship with my adult son, there were issues that would never be resolved. FEAR is such a powerful emotion...and it keeps you stuck in the place that you really don't want to be.
Slowly my 17 year old self would show herself...overcoming the fear that she would break. Locking away the pain was something so familiar and exposing herself was not. When I first went into reunion I would of shouted from the roof top that "we had been found". I told everyone who would listen to this miracle called reunion. It was a made for TV movie and even those who never knew of the adoption found it heart warming. Yet, that 17 year old was quiet...still scared...waiting for the other shoe to drop. She found it painful to see her adult son and then leave him when she would visit. It brought back the same feelings that she had when she entrusted him to the adoption system. The adult me knew however that I had to bring her out of her safe hiding place in order to heal. She had to feel safe, but most of all she needed to feel loved.
Dear Patricia,
I LOVE YOU! This is a gift from my heart sent directly to YOU! Even though it may not have always looked as if I loved you...I always have. I protected you the best I could...the love I give you is unconditional and given without strings attached...for that is the true essence of the gift of "I LOVE YOU!
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